A friend wrote a piece on motivation and it started me thinking about my own motivations for doing, or not doing things. I've contacted some guys that I knew back during my high school days on a social media site. Why? I told myself it was to see, "Whatever happened to...?" Okay, I found out that information. Then it was to find out if they had met Jesus along their way; some have and I praise God for that, but the others didn't, and I didn't do anything about it except allude to His saving Grace in a vague way. This started my questioning, "What is my motivation?" Any excuse I can come up with seems to revolve around me, me, me. This would be giving in to fleshly desires, not Godly ones. My 'motivation' was falling into that fuzzy/blurry area where sin sometimes takes root....that area where, if I allow myself to entertain thoughts, can lead me straight smack dab into the plans the enemy has stealthily put down in the path. I had already travelled down this path a bit further than I wanted and found it to be a trap of the devil's; a way to get me to think his way would be what I wanted, when it was only an illusion. The harsh realities that were waiting just a few steps away would have left a shattered marriage, financial ruin, a reputation and a Christian witness that would never be the same. And that's just the start. The repurcussions could and probably would be felt in the same manner as a pebble tossed into a still pond.
Peace came, when I recognized satan's whisper and refused to give him any more inches. I reclaimed the ground I had lost through confession, repentance and much prayer. The temptation lost its power once I verbally confessed it. A scripture came to mind, "Submit yourselves, then to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7 NIV). I made it a point to focus on God and His Word. I wrote in my journal and looked for His speaking directly to me, knowing He was waiting for me to do just that. I kept a continous dialogue in my mind all day with Him, asking Him to keep satan from stirring up my memories. Instead of joining in the conversations, (filled with sexual innuendoes and cursing) at my workplace, I chose my Bible and my car.
Suddenly, I became the new topic of conversation. Apparently I was "too good" to sit with them at lunch and breaks. This gave me another question. What was my motivation now? I don't mind 'not fitting in' with the group at work. I do mind 'not fitting in' with God. "...seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness..."(Matthew 6:33 NIV)
The conversations continue, around me, sometimes escalating to see if they will get a reaction. I have taken to wearing earplugs; they muffle the sound so I am not hearing every word. I am able to softly hum uplifting songs to myself instead of listening to the trash talk. God and I have breaks and lunch together, praying for these people to recognize God's wooing of their hearts. When they are ready to ask a serious question about what keeps me content, I will have an opportunity. The motivation will be clear, as I continue to work for God at this job He has provided for me.
This has been a continual struggle for me, but my LORD is Faithful. He has not let me down; He has not forsaken me; He is here with me, showing Himself to me in moments I didn't even realize I needed affirming. He knows all about my leanings, my struggles, but best of all, He knows my heart. I am His. He is the best motivation of all.