I haven’t written anything on this blog, or anywhere, for that matter, since my last post, Afterthoughts — Part 1, back in September, 2013.
Been a tough time…this last 18 or so months…
Learned some stuff, thankfully, along the way. And still learning.
Apparently, 2014 was a year of healing.
Confessing to God I was brokenhearted, instead of glossing over my feelings or making excuses.
I had been seduced by the enemy of my soul, an elaborate hoax aimed squarely at the most tender part of my heart, where the hurt is the most paralyzing.
During this time of seeming inactivity, I have been unable to write, sculpt, send encouraging notes…even spend deep times of study in my Bible. Knowing all these things are a detriment to a Christian’s spiritual life, I tried on more than one occasion–but the answer was the same.
All I could do was pray. Some “Hey Lord, I need some help here!” prayers…others more in depth–more often questions than not; an outpouring of utterances. Sometimes simply sitting in front of my open Bible, letting the tears fall…
Grief, washing over me, like rain…
–I was blindsided by unhealthy friendships.
–I lost a job I loved.
–One of the unhealthy friendships struck so deep, it caused a scrutiny of other friendships, questioning their health as well as leaving me afraid to reach out at all.
–We lost 3 dogs, rescues we’ve had since 2006.
–Numerous deaths of friends from younger days, including my Matron of Honor.
–Add in health issues, elevated costs with no elevation of resources, and a withdrawing in general; not as an escape but a re-examining to be sure I was indeed in God’s Will for my life…
All the while being aware of my limited time on Earth.
I was a mess.
So I pondered.
The Lord led me to authors like Beth Moore ( When Godly People Do Ungodly Things )
God keeps no record of wrongs, (1 Corinthians 13:5) but you can bet Satan does. He’s a meticulous note taker.
and Lisa Buffaloe, whose books, No Wound Too Deep, and Unfailing Treasures, drew me in, giving me a guidebook of sorts when I was unable to seek the Lord in my own strength. (I highly recommend Lisa’s book, No Wound Too Deep for anyone experiencing pain…and it’s free Tuesday and Wednesday, May 26 & 27)
I could hear God speaking, whispering, through their words; revealing to me bit by bit His Thinking, His Master plan…enabling me to have peace.
I could feel myself getting stronger, closer to overcoming this dark place of gut-wrenching hurt, but not quite there yet.
So I’ve spent much time…waiting….and placing one foot in front of the other. The wounds have begun their healing; it doesn’t smart when I run my finger of memory over the scars anymore.
Once I admitted I was heartbroken, the healing could begin.
This journey isn’t over yet, but I’m in a much better place to go on…
No longer an afterthought…but deeply loved by God.